Author Archives: jack

Journey Into The Unknown

Several people have told me that the pool at the High School doesn’t use chlorine. We’ve asked around and no one seems to know for sure what they use. I don’t need to resurrect the nasty pictures of my skin after the last time I swam in a pool with chlorine; many have asked that they be left off the e-mail list if I ever try to make them look at those again.

So today I went up to the High School pool and swam. Since I haven’t been in a pool in six months, I didn’t get carried away, but I swam for about 45 minutes. I didn’t do any speed work; just long, slow laps with a minute rest every 500 meters or so. We’ll see if they really do use chlorine or bromine ‘cuz I’ll start itching places other people don’t want to see me touch. If I do start itching, Jean may call Diane for a sleeping pill either for herself or me. I thrash around in bed enough without the constant scratching.

I get e-mails every week from Inside Triathlon among many, many others. It’s their on-line magazine and often has interesting articles. It started out HI JOHN (no one calls me John except telemarketers who don’t know I’m really Just Jack), and continues with the teaser line “And their off…”. You all know from my writing that I’m not a grammar geek with the run-on sentences and commas where there should be semicolons or nothing at all. But it drive me crazy that we’ve gotten so dependent on spell-check that we don’t think about what we’re writing.

Any fifth grader could tell you that “their” is a possessive pronoun that is either used alone or used to describe a noun. Their hats; their team; their unmentionables. Not only is it a possessive pronoun, it’s a personal pronoun and we all know personal pronouns don’t use apostrophes (theirs, not their’s). As Inside Triathlon is trying to use the word, it’s really a contraction of the two words “they” and “are”; a quick way of saying “And they are off…”.

There are two dangers in criticizing someone else’s grammar. First of all, since many of our friends are school teachers or former school teachers, I’m likely to get this e-mail back with all kinds of red marks and underlines with a big “D-” on the top and a note that reads “You know you could do better. I would like to meet with you and your parents and talk about your future in this class”. That ship has sailed many times in the past so don’t waste your time.

The second danger is that those of you who don’t see anything wrong with the Inside Triathlon usage will look at me as the class dork who really doesn’t know much, but points out the mistakes of others and ridicules them to make myself look good. As I said before, I’m not very good at grammar and I admit it. But I also don’t write for a globally distributed magazine. Any criticism of this e-mail should be directed to my website www.whoreallycares.nut .

For those of you who haven’t heard, the National Conference On Global Warming meeting that is scheduled to meet in Hastings on Wednesday has been canceled due to the blizzard forecast. It has been rescheduled to the same week as Ironman Wisconsin, trying to coincide with our one week of really hot summer weather.

Just (I Want To Ride My Bike Outside) Jack

Mediocre

The condo is on the golf course, as many of you know, so we see a lot of golfers getting an early start to their season. The weatherman, or is it weatherperson?, says that we will have cold weather by the end of the week with highs in the thirties. I’m assuming there won’t be many people on the links until the warm weather comes back. That’s when I get to show that I’m a mediocre golfer, which goes along with being a mediocre triathlete, a mediocre baseball player, and basically mediocre at all my athletic endeavors.

I’ve said this all before, and I’m really not just trying to put myself down unmercifully; it’s just a fact of life. Some people are born with athletic abilities and some aren’t and I’m one of the aren’ts. Whether it’s hand-eye coordination, speed, agility, flexibility, or a combination of those things, I was in the back of the line and the pickings were meager by the time they got to me. I’m not complaining either. Being mediocre means that you don’t often win, so you don’t have a lot of pressure. If, by some stroke of calamity, you do win, it’s a bonus.

It’s genetics and there isn’t much you can do about it. Neither of my parents were athletic, none of my grandparents were athletic, my brothers aren’t athletic except that Bob (aka Bobbie Butane) has good hand-eye coordination; don’t play pool or darts with him for money. But genetics gives other things and they count in making us who we are.

I’m a good test taker. Throughout the years there have been many of my friends who are smarter than me, but scored worse on tests. When I enlisted in the Air Force, they gave me a battery of tests to see where I should be placed. The recruiter called and told me I had scored as high as you can get on each of the four areas. One part was electrical and I know nothing about it. If you plug it in and it doesn’t work, change the bulb. If that doesn’t work, check the circuit breaker. If that doesn’t work, call an electrician. Another part was mechanical. When I was younger I could change my own oil and filter, change spark plugs, and that’s about it. If it quits working, take it to someone who knows what they’re doing.

When I graduated from Western Michigan University, I sat for the CPA exam a couple of weeks later and passed it the first time. Back in those days, the pass rate on the first try was around six percent. One of the guys I studied with at Western was very bright and always knew the answers when we studied together. The last time I knew he had taken the CPA exam four times and still hadn’t passed all the parts.

So, getting back to the athletics, I look at myself as a filler. The winners wouldn’t have as much glory if they were the only ones in the race. They need us mediocre athletes as fillers. Would you rather be first out of one, or first out of twenty? Well, I’m one of the nineteen fillers. I have had some really bad races, but I’m rarely last. In a field of twenty, I’m usually around tenth. But even if I were last, it wouldn’t matter; at least I’m out there. As one girls said when she finished the Iceman in 1999 after everyone had left, “At least I beat everyone who is home on the couch”. I’ve never forgotten that.

Throughout the years I’ve come to the conclusion that participating, for me, is social and the most important part. Yes, it’s great to win races, but swimming, running or biking with good friends is what I want to be doing. To me, the training rides and runs are more fun than the races. You can do your own thing and, when it’s all over, everyone is the same; a participant, not a winner or loser. At age 60 the joints don’t work as well and I’m getting slower; not faster. But I don’t care; I’m still in the game.

Just (I Do Wish This Hip Would Quit Hurting) Jack

Arguments You Can’t Win

Jean and I never really argue, nor do we fight, but we both let the other know how we feel about what is or isn’t going on. Yesterday Jean said, for at least the hundredth time (and I’m not exaggerating), “We ought to get the screens on the windows and the slider doors. It’s so nice out and we need to warm up that basement”.

As you know by my rantings and ravings, Jean is very visual. She can’t picture things in her mind so if you’re trying to describe something to her it’s like talking Spanish to an Eskimo. When she looks outside and sees the sun shining she says things like “It really looks warm out there”.

Knowing this, and knowing I had no chance of winning any argument, I went by paragraph 81 on page 63 of the husband’s playbook, and argued anyway. I told her that it was 53 degrees outside and 63 degrees inside. I know the sun was shining, and if you stepped out on the deck it was warm, but if you open windows, 53 degree air is going to go into a 63 degree house and there was no chance it would warm it up.

So when she said “But it’s warmer on the deck than it is in the house”, I tried to explain that the deck was on the side of the house that was sheltered from the wind and tried to explain the science of radiant heat off the vinyl siding. Once I said radiant heat I could see her mind shut down. To her it sounded like a Mr. Wizard show from the fifties and she would rather watch The Adventures of Spin and Marty on the Mickey Mouse Club.

Immediately she threw in the “fresh air” card. I explained that fresh air is nice, but if it’s 5 degrees outside, fresh air is too fresh. That didn’t work either. I know she really believes that 53 degree fresh air is better than 63 degree stale air. Luckily Judy walked in and the conversation ended.

The runners came this morning and ran from our condo. There was enough food to feed fifty people. Now we have to figure out how to hide the leftovers from me so I don’t stuff myself all week. I made beer soup, a recipe I got out of a brewing book. There are three bottles of Irish Red #5 in it, but the alcohol all evaporates out of it. It does have a base beer flavor, and I’m not sure whether it’s the malt, hops or yeast, but it is quite good. I’ll make it again and tweak the recipe a little until I’m satisfied that it’s the best I can make (at least to me).

This last week was the Tour de Pennock. It’s five days of riding a spinning bike (or in my case, my Trek on a fluid trainer) two hours each day while watching parts of the Tour de France. My rear end got a little sore by Wednesday, but things got better Thursday and Friday. After we finished Friday evening there was a pot luck. Again, there was enough food to feed any army. There’s always lots of pasta and other carbs to replace the ones you’ve burned up. My problem is that I don’t stop there and I pick at the leftovers for days.

I vow each week to restrict my caloric intake and lose a few pounds by triathlon season. As with all diets, my vow lasts about a day and I’m back in the same old rut. With no will power and genetics against me, I’m fighting a losing battle.

Just (Slap Me If I’m Eating A Cookie) Jack

b/t/w If you drive by the condo you’ll notice that the screens are on all the windows and the slider doors.

Apparent Marital Faux Pas

I’m 60, as you all well know since I whine about my age often, and I’ve been married 37 plus years, although not to the same person. So you would think that I’d see it coming, but, I got “schooled” again by one of the best.

The weather is chilly, but sunny, so it looks nicer than it is. I hope I’m not betraying my “man-brothers” when I say that I’m almost basket-balled out. So yesterday afternoon I was antsy for something to do. I thought about putting on the screens, but the wind made it too chilly to stand out there and do that when I know the weather will get warmer, and we won’t have the windows open much until then anyway.

We have a spot down in the basement that would work nicely for a bar area. I know, we’re past the party stage of life, but being close to the country club now, we may have to rev up the old Margarita machine and cap off an evening of golf now and again. And if we don’t use the bar, it still will make that area functional rather than empty. I said something about wanting to go to Watson’s on 29th Street to look at their bars and stop by Best Buy to pick up an Ethernet card and a network cable for Jean’s computer for Tuesday when they hook up our phone and DSL. Jean made an offhanded comment about riding along with me, like she wasn’t really interested but she didn’t have anything better to do.

Before I knew it we were in World Market looking at dishes, bowls, decorating ideas, and other girl stuff. After what seemed like a couple of hours there, I found myself transported to Pier One Imports where we spent another lifetime looking at the same stuff. I looked around and we were surrounded by people who appeared to be newlyweds so the guys didn’t know any better, and the occasional guy like me who must have been paying for a recent sin. Once we got in those stores I had a hard time finding Jean. I think she was hiding out so I wouldn’t come up with the “let’s go” line every two minutes.

I was joking about most of what I said last week about the silverware, the cupcakes, and the pantry. But the pantry shelves have been straightened out, Jean hid the cupcakes, although I did eat the rest of the can of frosting, and all of the silverware from Green Street is now intermingled with the “girly” silverware. Not only are the regular forks and salad forks mixed together, but each fork space contains a couple more forks from each of four different patterns including some three tined forks which I hoped I had seen the last of.

So I must have touched a nerve and yesterday, although she didn’t say it, Jean was probably thinking “Criticize my homemaking skills again in front of my friends and next time you’ll wish we were only going to two stores”. I’m not out of the “husband of the year” running yet, but I’ll have to watch what I say from now on. On the bright side, it makes all you other guys look good. Sometimes someone has to “take one for the team”.

Just (Overwhelmed By Scented Candles And Decorative Plates) Jack

Retraining Again

It wasn’t all that long ago I wrote about having to train Jean with a list of “mobe rules”, something that allows two people to live in confined quarters without shooting each other. She struggled just a bit with them but finally was catching on. She didn’t spend much time at the mobe this year and, now that brother Bob owns it, neither will I.

I thought that the mobe rules would spill over into the new condo, but I was mistaken. At the condo Jean put all new silverware in the silverware drawer in one of those plastic things that keeps the forks separated from the spoons, etc. I’m not thrilled with the silverware pattern, but I won’t complain even if it is a little “girly”. There are two sets of forks; the regular forks and the salad forks. They look identical except that one is about an inch shorter than the other. So when Jean empties the dishwasher, they are mixed up. Some of the salad forks are in with the regular forks and vice versa. That’s just not right. But it does give me something to do putting them back where they belong.

The food pantry is a total disaster. First of all, the top and bottom shelves both contain something other than food. If it’s a food pantry, everything should be what? You guessed it…FOOD!!! The first time I looked in there, there was salad oil on one shelf, olive oil on the next shelf, and the flavored oils and spray Pam on still another. Chaos, chaos, chaos!!! Training will start tomorrow at 0700 with a surprise inspection and some food placement drills. We’ll see how much more help she needs before basic training is over. I think my chances of making a soldier out of her are in the single digit percentages.

And another thing, again something I’ve mentioned before. My name is Jack and I’m a food-a holic. So today Jean baked cupcakes for her “birthday group” and left four of them on a plate at home in plain sight. She might just as well have left four shots of whiskey for an alcoholic or a baggie of crack for a drug addict. She’s an enabler and there ought to be a law against it. I haven’t touched them yet, but they’ve only been there 8 hours. We’ll see how long they last.

This week’s message is a couple of days later than usual. For one thing, we have no phone at the condo and the Green Street house is at 50 degrees, so it isn’t that pleasant to sit at the computer and write for any length of time. Your fingers get so numb you hit two or three keys at once. Today was warm so I’m taking advantage.

As to the question from a couple of weeks ago about Becky’s mishap with the saw horses, I guess I had the details all screwed up and Becky corrected me. It was her father who made the saw horses, not her father in law. I didn’t get any response when I asked for anyone who had heard of that happening to them or someone they know. One writer, and I won’t mention any names but her initials are Lynette Doele, said that it hadn’t happened to her but a mammogram isn’t much fun either. I suggested she pinch herself between a couple of two by fours in that same place at let me know which was worse. I haven’t gotten a report yet but I’m guessing I would have heard the screams even from Gun Lake.

I saw a robin today, but I’ve seen them all winter so it doesn’t seem that big of a deal. Spring is just around the corner???

Just (Sick Of The Winter Weather) Jack

What?

Many of you know I’m a little hard of hearing. Not unusual for elderly gentlemen, but I’ve been that way for quite a while. My doctor told me to check into a hearing aid when I got to the point where it was causing a problem, but then I’d be able to hear everything Jean said and my built in excuse would be gone, so I haven’t done a thing about it.

I guess my hearing isn’t quite as bad as I’d like it to be. My flight for Florida by way of Detroit left Tuesday at around 5 PM. We were held on the ground in Grand Rapids for about 15 minutes before we got clearance to take off. During the flight we circled the Detroit airport about 15 minutes before we could land. From the time the plane door closed until it opened in Detroit, a young child directly behind me screamed non-stop and I heard every bit of it. I also heard, much to my dismay, his mother say at least two hundred times “Let’s go. We’re going to go now.” If it was an attempt to get the kid to stop crying she should think up something new ‘cuz it didn’t work.

If that wasn’t enough, I stayed in a motel about 35 miles South of Nashville (Tennessee, not MIchigan) on the way back. The exit I stopped at had four hotels. One was a Sleep Cheap motel attached to a truck stop and it looked like it rented rooms by the hour, so I passed on that one. The other three were across the street. On one side was a Holiday Inn Express and on the other side was a Clarion with an indoor pool and jacuzzi. In between was an “America’s Best”. I can’t stand to spend $100 a night just to sleep, get up at 5 AM and take off, so I chose the America’s Best for $57.

I should have known that if you call it “Best” it probably isn’t and I was right. There was no clock, the TV was the smallest one you can get and the remote had no numbers on it, so if you wanted to go from channel 3 to channel 50, it took 47 clicks on the plus button. The furniture was cheap, there was no shampoo, and when I showered and dried off, the towel felt like a burlap bag. The heater made a really loud noise when it came on so I turned the heat off. But it was clean and adequate until 3 AM Central Time, 4 AM Eastern. I woke up feeling the call to nature. When I got back in bed I could hear the people in the rooms on both sides of me snoring…loud…in unison.

Yesterday afternoon, somehwere in Indiana, I stopped at a McDonalds for another home cooked meal, my last one on the road. It got really busy so they started cooking several batches of fries. When they dropped them into the grease a beeper started and didn’t stop until they took the basket out. It must be a safety thing. Since they made one batch right after another the beeping continued from the minute I walked in ’til the minute I walked out twenty minutes later.

WHERE”S THE HARD OF HEARING WHEN YOU REALLY NEED IT?

I drove a rental truck full of furniture back to move into the condo. I haven’t driven a truck like that in several years and it takes a little getting used to. Being the accounting geek that I am, I can usually figure out where on the trip I’ll be and when within 30 minutes, give or take. Not so this time. Driving a truck is different than a car. I’d stay in the right hand lane a lot since I was going 5 m.p.h slower than most cars. When I got behind a really slow one, I realized you don’t just “dart” out and make a quick pass. So there I’d be as a parade of cars from behind passed us both.

The Florida trip usually takes between 19 and 20 hours depending on traffic, weather and which route I take. That’s start to finish time and includes gas, meal and bathroom stops. This time it took me 25 hours and I felt every mile of it. My rear end feels likes it’s flattened to twice its normal size, which is big enough as it is. It’s boring riding alone so I’ll do anything for entertainment. Since you have a bird’s eye view, you can see what’s going on in cars when people pass you.

Yesterday I was going through snow…not exactly a white-out, but snowing quite hard and the wind was blowing about 25 m.p.h. at least. I had to fight to hold the truck on the road. I saw a guy passing me with his car packed to the roof with clothes and other junk and he was reading a map. Apparently it’s easier to drive a car in a blizzard than a truck. Now I know why I went to college to study accounting. The idyllic thought of truckers leading an exciting life immortalized in “trucker songs” is blown way out of proportion. It’s hard, it’s monotonous, and it’s dangerous with all the crappy drivers out there.

Just (Roll On Eighteen Wheeler, Roll On) Jack

I Thought I Had Heard Everything

 I guess this last week or so I’ve been in a zone. That’s not the same as an athlete that’s “in the zone”…a basketball player who shoots every time he comes down the floor and doesn’t miss…a baseball player who sees “the seams” on every pitch and goes 4 for 4…a runner who feels like he/she can run forever without effort. I’m not on top of the world but not in a blue funk either. Just a zone.

Becky comes by a lot of Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes to watch movies…other times just to sit around the kitchen and talk. I thought I knew everything about her by now but every once in a while I’m surprised. Both nights this past weekend got us all laughing so hard we couldn’t stop.

On Friday night, before we cranked up “The Wedding Crashers”, we watched a little of 1 vs 100. One of the questions was “Which of the following, when you put the postal abbreviations of both states together, is not something you would drink…A) Colorado and Louisiana B) Wisconsin and Nebraska C) Pennsylvania and Indiana?” It was fairly early in the round and I thought the question was a no-brainer.

Becky, who is one of those people who gets most of the jeopardy questions correct, said “I think it’s B”. She pronounced it wee-nay and said “That isn’t something to drink”. I said “It’s pronounced wine and that’s something you’re drinking right now. The correct answer is C pain”.

She hadn’t had that much “wee-nay” yet so I don’t think alcohol was a factor in that accident. So when I thought I had heard everything, last night we were sitting around talking after going to the Methodist Church to listen to “Live Under The Dome” which was excellent, and out of the blue Becky said “Nothing hurts more than smacking your breast (she used different words) between two boards”.

I’ve heard the old saying “Getting your t&*% in a wringer” to describe doing something that gets you into a troublesome spot. And I’ve also heard of people doing some strange things for gratification, but that one was way out there. So being the dummy that I am, I asked her what she was talking about.

She went on to say that her father in law had made her and her ex-husband two saw horses. Becky and her husband at the time were raising lots of animals including pheasants and she said she used the saw horses for perches. She was carrying them both under her right arm when they started to slip. She lurched forward to catch them and get a better grip when the tops slammed together and her right n*&&%$ was caught in between them. It brought her straight down to her knees.

She talked like it was a common occurrence. Let me know, anonymously, if that has ever happened to you or anyone you know other than Becky. I’ll report the tally next week. Details would be appreciated, pictures would help prove the damage and, I promise, I won’t sell them to one of the “girly” sites. I’d say now that I’ve definitely heard everything, but I know better. Stop by sometime…the entertainment is free!

Just (Gearing Up For My Florida Trip) Jack

Short And Sweet

 This week’s e-mail to all my victims is short and late. Thanks to all of you who offered your condolences on my brother, Bill’s death. For those of you who knew him I’m attaching a copy of his eulogy. Don’t feel like you’re obligated to read it.

We’re going through one of the many transition periods with our Michigan weather. It’s been so cold lately I’ve been doing most of my running inside. Now it’s unseasonably warm and the snow is starting to melt. I’m guessing that the gravel roads will be a mess for a while, so it’s either paved roads or more inside running. Yuck!!

For those of you who don’t already know, I plan to head for Florida after the regular board meeting on the 27th, rent a truck and move the mobe furniture back to Michigan to the condo. Brother Bob plans to move into the mobe soon after it’s empty. I plan to get back here on Saturday, March 3rd, so after the Elaine Standler Indoor Triathlon maybe I can find some volunteers to carry furniture? I do have some home brew cold in the condo fridge.

Just (Bill’s Gone But Not Forgotten) Jack

Bill Walker

Bill was a year older than me and five years to the day older than our brother Bob. We spent the first 16 years of my life in the same household, but were completely different individuals. He was also an accountant, but we lived our separate lives and got together a few times each year. No matter how much or little we saw of each other, you can never break the bonds that brothers have.

Other than Mom, I guess I’ve known Bill longer than anyone else here. Mom tells the story, although I really don’t remember this one, that when we lived in the Western UP in Republic, Bill and I would play outside together during the only two weeks of summer. They had just finished paving the street in front of the church and the tar was still wet and gooey. We lived in the back of the church, and Mom kept an eye on us all of the time, but there was very little traffic so we went out and played in the fresh tar. The way I understand it my bib overalls had one of those trap doors in the back and mine had become unbuttoned. Bill got a stick and, whenever I bent over to pick up something he painted my butt with tar. It took Mom a long time to wash the tar off and it never did come off the wagon we painted.

I probably shouldn’t have said “butt” in church. Dad is probably up there giving me “the look”, and I’m sure Father Mel will suggest meeting me in the confessional after the luncheon.

Growing up in Three Rivers, we lived out in the country and since there weren’t many kids to play with, we learned to do things with each other. Bill was a year older than me and Bob was four years younger. So when Bill and I wanted to play catch, Mom would make us include Bob. To Bob, we weren’t Bill and Jack…we  were “the boys”. Bob would go in and tell Mom that the boys wouldn’t play with him, and Mom would come out and tell us to let Bob play. We would argue that he was too small, but Mom said play with him anyway. We would often throw him ground balls; the balls would bounce through the yard, jump up and hit him in the face and, often, give him a bloody nose. He would run inside screaming to Mom, and we would get yelled at but, then again, what are brothers for?

Tom and Bill Kline lived a couple of long city blocks away and we would often go over to their house and play. Tom was Bill’s age and Bill Kline was a couple of years younger than me. They had just gotten a couple of BB guns and we had been shooting them at tin cans. Bill, Tom and I were standing in the yard talking and Bill Kline was spinning in a circle shooting the BB gun at random. One of the BBs hit brother Bill and the BB went under the skin in his chest. We pushed the BB back to the hole where it came in and pinched it out like a zit. We put mercurochrome on it and never told Mom and Dad. They never would have let us go back there and play and besides my friend Bruce, there were no other kids within walking distance. Sorry Bill, but I told Mom that story yesterday. But I didn’t tell her about the time we opened and sampled Tom and Bill’s grandma’s dandelion wine. That secret is still safe with me.

After we moved to St. Joe on Lake Michigan, we met a kid named Skip who ended up being my best friend. Our family started taking trips to Florida over Christmas break and we would stop on the way back in Tennessee or Alabama and buy fireworks. Bill and I would meet Skip down at the beach and set off firecrackers. Since the statute of limitations has expired, I will confess that what we bought was illegal in Michigan. We had some big ones…cherry bombs…silver tubes…M-80s…and we would look for dead carp that had washed up on shore. We’d use a stick and put an M-80 under the carp, light it, then run away and watch it blow to smithereens. It only took one time of gagging and retching to learn that you should run more than ten feet away and you should always run upwind.

Bill was a year older so he was a grade ahead of me in school. We were completely different people, but younger brothers tend to want to do what older brothers do and older brothers, however much they deny it, are protective of younger brothers. Bill took Latin as a required language so I did too. I’m still not sure why we did that. There aren’t a lot of people that speak Latin these days and, since we both made our careers in accounting, we didn’t use a lot of Latin to help us understand tax law. The Latin teacher would give all the students Latin names. Bill’s was Gulielmus, but we called him Gulie for short.

When we got into High School, Bill was in the choir because he loved to sing. You had to try out for choir, and if you didn’t make it, you had to take chorus or band. Of course, I had to do what Bill did, so I tried out for choir and made it. I had a little pull with the teacher because Bill was well liked, I could stay on pitch, and we had the same genes. We were in musicals together and, although we were never the leads, we always had prominent parts. Last year Mom took Bill and Lois, Bob and Patti, and me to see Brigadoon at the show palace in Hudson, Florida. Bill and I were both in Brigadoon in high school, but I couldn’t remember what parts we played. Not only did Bill know who he played, he knew who I played and described much of the story line. I glanced over at him several times during the performance and he was mouthing every word to every song.

After he graduated, Bill went off to North Central College in Naperville, Illinois. I was a senior and Jimmy Wohler and I decided to take a road trip to see big brother. North Central was a church school, and when we got there, Bill gave us the normal parent oriented tour. That night we went to a party with him, and it was nothing like any church school I would have envisioned. As long as I never run for public office, those skeletons will stay buried in the closet and, Bill; I still won’t tell what went on that night.

After I graduated from high school, Bill, Skip, Jim Thierbach and I went to New Orleans for a guy’s graduation trip. On the way down in Jim’s ’57 Chevy, we had car trouble in Memphis, Tennessee. The battery kept getting weaker and weaker and we knew we needed a new one. We didn’t have much money, so being dumb teenagers, we decided to steal one from a parked car. We pulled up to a dark carport, snuck up to the house, and were trying to decide who would actually do it. Bill said he wouldn’t do it, maybe Jack would. I said I wouldn’t do it, maybe Skip would. Skip said he wouldn’t do it, maybe Jim would. The James Gang we weren’t, so we chipped in five bucks apiece and bought a battery at a Western Auto store. As for the rest of the trip, we all promised not to tell what happened. What goes on in New Orleans, stays in New Orleans and Father Mel, I’ve already taken care of that one.

I remember the many times Bill and I would go over to Shiawassee duck hunting before Billy and Curt were old enough to hunt and take my place. I’d get up at 2 AM in Hastings and get over to Bill’s in Lansing by 3 or so. He’d be at the kitchen table eating a plate of cold spaghetti and tomatoes and we’d take off for the hunt. We’d get there, register, and then stand outside, sometimes in rain or snow or a mix waiting for the drawing. I wasn’t a lucky influence and we rarely got what we would call a good draw. We had our favorite areas, would choose them if we had the chance, and would get to the parking lot as soon as we could. We’d load up the canoe with guns, decoys and coffee and head out for the best spots. We’d paddle up the canals, get out on an icy or rain slicked path, drag the loaded canoe up and over the dike, get back in the canoe and paddle to the next dike where we’d do it all over again. We would often spend 3 or 4 hours standing in 33 degree water, get completely skunked, and come back the next week to do it all over again. We shot our fair share of ducks and geese and created many memories. When the boys got old enough they became his hunting partners and I didn’t go as much. I’m sure they have a hundred stories to tell about those times.

Bob lived in Dallas, Texas at one time so Bill and I went down there a couple of times to fish the lakes around there. Lake Fork, at one time, had produced 35 of the top 50 bass in the Texas record books so we fished that one a lot. You’d think that we would spend every minute trying to land a 10 pounder, and we did fish for bass some, but we really loved to fish for specks. I have never caught, nor seen caught, any bigger specks in my entire life and we would catch as many as we wanted to clean. We’d tie Bob’s boat to one of the many bridges or to an old submerged tree and fish ˜til dark. Bill wasn’t much of an early riser as many of you know, so we never made it out there at the crack of dawn, but that didn’t matter. We’d stay in a motel once in a while, get up and have some breakfast, and we were chomping at the bit ready to go. Every time we just about got in the car, Bill would feel the call to nature, grab and handful of reading materials, and head for the john. I can still see Bob and me sitting on the bumper of Bob’s truck and the tongue of his boat trailer knowing we were in for a 15 minute crap. I probably shouldn’t have said crap in church either so, Father Mel, just add that one to my list. Sorry, Dad!

Brother Bob and I are feeling just a bit guilty. Over Christmas when all three of us boys were at Mom’s condo, we ragged on Bill just a little about doing another tax season. We kidded him about how long it would take for him to end up in the hospital. Having been in the tax business for thirty years I know how stressful tax season can be. But I also know the satisfaction that you get by helping people with difficult problems. True, you get your share of clients that view you as an extension of the IRS and think you get a cut of their tax money. Actually I think they just need a cat to kick and you’re the closest one. But I also know how good you feel when you’ve done the best you can and they really appreciate it. That self worth overshadows the fact you are so dog tired you can hardly stay awake long enough to catch the evening news. Bill was good at taxes and was doing what he loved. As they say in the old westerns, he died with his boots on.

And Beth, I don’t think either one of us are going to be able to talk your Dad into a water aerobics class now.

There are tons of other stories, but Father Mel said to keep it short and I can see he’s already on his second page of confession notes. At about this time I’m sure that Lois and Mom, and many of the rest of you are thinking, “I thought Jack would get up and say a bunch of nice things about Bill and that would be it. Yes, the stories are mildly interesting, but they seem to be about your experiences with Bill. How does that help us?” The answer is, I don’t know. I’m not Dr. Phil and, other than the fact that we have the same hair style or lack thereof, I don’t have his credentials to know the psychological steps to handling grief. After the officer tells you that your husband is gone, or your son is gone, or after your mother calls and tells you your brother or father or friend is gone, and you get past the initial shock that feels like you just got hit between the eyes with a hammer, how do you make sense of it all?

We all handle it differently. When I first get the word that someone close to me has died, my head starts spinning and my entire life’s experiences with that individual passes before my eyes. It’s all crystal clear in my head and I have to put it down on paper. Sometimes I password protect it, file it in “My Documents” in Word, and no one else ever sees it. Sometimes I share it with one or two people and once in a while I read it at the memorial service in front of real people like most of you are. So write your version of Bill’s eulogy. Where I use the term brother, insert husband or son or father or friend. And where I tell the story about Bill painting my butt with tar, insert some of your experiences with Bill. Not all people can relate with how it feels to lose a spouse or a son or a father or a brother or a really close friend so we’re kind of on our own. We all have to find what works for us to get through it.

In my case, brothers are always brothers, no matter whether one decides to leave the game early or not, and those experiences are my definition of Bill. But in this case it still raises two problems. The first one is personal. When I was a kid I was afraid at night when the lights went out. Two things got me. I thought when planes flew over, they would drop tornadoes on us. I know, I know…it’s a mixture of fears. I get it, but it still bothered me. The other fear was that a giraffe would nibble my ears off, so even if it was a hundred degrees in the bedroom…and this was before air conditioning…I would pull the sheet or covers up around my neck and cover my ears. Why a giraffe, you ask? It was because our bedroom was upstairs in Three Rivers and a giraffe was the only animal that could reach high enough to get his head through the open window.

So one Christmas we stayed at Grandma and Grandpa Riggs’ house and slept in the way back bedroom upstairs. We all slept in one bed with Bill in the middle, Bob on one side and me on the other. Right after the lights went out, it was pitch black and someone or something grabbed my ear and pulled. Bill said he didn’t do it, so I laid there all night in fear waiting for the axe murderer to finish the job. Bill never admitted it and Bob couldn’t reach that far, so Bill, if you did do it, give me some kind of sign……I guess I’ll never really know the truth on that one.

The other dilemma is shared by all of us. We all have to figure out how to be content with the stories we remember about our relationship with Bill, ‘cuz there won’t be any new ones. We’ll miss you Bro!

There Oughta Be A Law

 Several months ago we received an invitation for a couples wedding shower for the son of a long time friend. In Jack’s World, wedding showers are for women and the bride and there oughta be a law against making men suffer like that. Men have the solemn obligation of hiring the stripper for the bachelor party and that’s it. I don’t know how I did it, but I dodged attending the shower. It must have been dump day or something else that was so important, I just couldn’t make it.

Whatever magic I had that time didn’t work this time because we got an invitation to a couples baby shower for the same people and I went last night. In case you’re counting, the parties were more than nine months apart. I kept telling Jean that wild horses couldn’t drag me to a baby shower, but she mustered up the strength and I didn’t have a chance. Now is the time, if I were talking with the guys, I would say I hated every minute of it and couldn’t wait to get out of there. But the truth is that I had a good time and got to talk to some friends that we don’t see much of in party settings. Luckily I found some good conversation right near the food table where I bellied up to the shrimp plate. We had another party to go to and had to leave just as the gift opening started. Darn!!

When we closed on the condo January 12th we agreed that we wouldn’t move until either the Green Street house or the cottage at Crooked Lake sold. In fact, brother Bob (aka Bobbie Butane) asked me as I was leaving Florida whether Jean would get me to move sooner rather than later. I told him that she hadn’t said a thing about it. Mistakenly, I made the offhanded comment to Jean that we should move soon and it would save having to clean up the Green Street house every time someone wanted to look at it, I could turn the thermostat up to a balmy 63 degrees, and we would get more than three channels on the TV. That’s all it took. Maybe it’s from my long race performances and maybe just ‘cuz she knows me too well, she can tell I don’t have much endurance and she can wear me down if she’s persistent enough.

Everybody that asks if we’ve moved yet, we tell that we won’t move ’til the weather breaks. It doesn’t make much sense to move when there is so much snow on the ground and the temperatures are so cold. Carrying things in and out and having to change from indoor shoes to outdoor shoes every time is for the birds. Well, tweet-tweet. I’m close to the breaking point and she’ll probably have me right where she wants me by the end of the week. My brain isn’t any better than a fish. I know there’s a hook under that worm and I bite anyway. What’s wrong with me? Don’t answer!

Just (Why Did I Come Back So Soon) Jack