\u00c2\u00a0npi = no pun intended<\/p>\n
It’s time to set the record straight. Many of you who see me often probably have noticed that I’ve been somewhat subdued lately (which, for me, is one step above a coma). I know there are rumors flying around about why, so here it is, from the horse’s mouth.<\/p>\n
If you have a weak stomach or don’t want to\u00c2\u00a0read anything gross and disgusting, STOP READING NOW, DELETE THIS MESSAGE, and you will sleep better tonight.<\/p>\n
Without going into too much detail, I’ve been having some digestive problems. Not the ordinary “Boy, I wish I hadn’t eaten that burrito”, but something more intense and\u00c2\u00a0persistent with bleeding\u00c2\u00a0that started at 2 AM the day of the Bayshore Marathon (Saturday of Memorial Day weekend). I didn’t tell anyone I was having problems because I thought they would pass<\/strong> (npi), but they got worse.<\/p>\n I finally went to the doctor on June 22nd. O.K. I told everyone I was going<\/strong> (npi) because of my ankle problem, but that wasn’t really true, although I did tell him it was sore (the ankle, not my ….Oh, never mind). I knew I was in for a not so pleasant exam and I was right. The digital exam was a piece of cake compared to the contraption he used to look farther than any human should ever\u00c2\u00a0see.<\/p>\n I was given two specimen containers to take stool samples to the lab. Luckily I had a meeting in Lansing the next day so I dropped them off while most everyone was sleeping. But that’s not the end <\/strong>(npi) of it. He asked me to keep track of, and write down, all of my bowel movements for the next week including date, time, consistency, and other things too gross to mention. Of course, being the anal<\/strong> (npi) person that I am, I did it on an excel spreadsheet. I titled it “The Tales of the Turds” or, subtitled, “What a Bunch of Crap”.<\/p>\n I had some trouble with the consistency descriptions, but settled on terms like Au Jus, Mashed Potatoes Without Lumps, Mashed Potatoes With Lumps, Hot Chocolate With One Brown Marshmallow….<\/em> O.K. You get the picture. Dr. Weatherhead knew I was in a lot of discomfort, but could tell my sense of humor hadn’t been affected.<\/p>\n By the next appointment, things had gotten worse. Dr. Weatherhead scheduled me for a CT scan and gave me another container for a stool sample. This time I borrowed the Baptist Church Bus, wore a fedora hat, put on a trenchcoat, donned a fake beard and sunglasses and dropped off the sample. Even at that people know who you are and, since you are carrying a sample wrapped in a grocery sack, know it’s either a stool sample or a semen sample. And, odds are,\u00c2\u00a0there aren’t many 58 year old men carrying semen samples to the lab.<\/p>\n I had to keep track of BMs for a second week and did it the same way. This one was titled “The Fecal Matrix Revisited” or, subtitled, “Some Turds Roll Downhill Faster Than Others” (a takeoff on the saying\u00c2\u00a0*%#@ Flows Downhill).<\/p>\n At the next doctors appointment I knew what was coming. The stool samples and CT scan eliminated a lot of really bad things, but didn’t identify what was causing the problems, so he ordered a Colonoscopy. The preparation the day before, as many of you know, is no fun at all. The procedure itself is relatively straight-forward but I have a complaint about the sedation. They use Versed (sp) which keeps you conscious but you forget everything. WRONG!! I was in so much pain with intestinal cramping that inflating me with air was excruciating and I do remember it.<\/p>\n